busy busy me

i feel so suffocated with all the work that i have this whole time… really no time to rest no time to relax & all much less my own emotions…… i don’t get myself at all…. really after the booth camp i never really take care of how i feel have been neglecting it a lot…. just full of turmoil inside my heart…. so confuse… much less the project work for pm1 also some times so weird lah sia ….. cause i do work like…. sometimes never get my things done properly then end up can’t & all do diao lol…. i just dislike the way i feel everything by emotions… when would it be on a professional level??? where i don’t take everything so serious when it’s not suppose to be & also not get hurt by others just because of ead they say….

happy/sad i really don’t know!!!

so confuse so sad so worried but i really don’t know wad i want to do with my life wad am i going to do with my relationship with GOD, with ppl & everything again!!!  i really don’t i was touch by wad both pastor teach but i am really very confuse with everything + also i do know wad i want to do!!! all i know it like i am crazy a person….really at first when i when in my heart did not feel anything but why cause of the fact that i close my heart so hard till to the fact tat nothing can even affect me!!! but i really don’t know its like a human without any feelings at all…. though my friend says i like the youth service more yeh quite cause i more use to it but actually its cause of the fact i told  myself tat when i go in i can’ let myself be affected at all.

arrr

i feel so full of void now inside my heart!!! things  had all been swept under the carpet. tat were of the past but settled already don’t know if will ever be bring out again.so scare so worried caring only abt wad other ppl feel & not wad i think at all…. every time come home use com like as if its my only friend….. all my feeling all had been oppressed never forgotten things & others had change a lot since come ite tat  wad my parents & pastor had said cared more abt wad others think abt me ,more closed up, less happy a quieter me at home so does it mean tat in sch i am much more happier??!! nah not necessarily!!!! cause its the place where all my problems come frm!!! i feel empty my heart seem to be searching for something but don’t know wad!!! hurt a lot too much can’t stand it at all. why for wad actually i put myself before others… so confuse by everything… i wish & want everything around in my life to go smoothly…. or else i can’t handle all the big hiccups tat will happen…. full of unrest…. note to self: project other ppl part don’t care or else will be seen as a _____!!! as long as everything is done well will do!!! well there will be problems everywhere we go!!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOREVER PROBLEMS STOP COMING TO ME!!! MY WOUNDS IN MY HEART HAVE YET TO HEAL…. SO PLEASE LET IT HEAL BEFORE U OPEN ANOTHER ONE!!!     

blog stats so high

humm its really like tat high different frm other days expect frm the time i write abt some scandal!!! wads so nice abt it!!! i really wonder just because i write abt wad i think abt ppl in this world is like!!! all so evil not worth being with is it ??? not worth trusting at all correct!!! in fact i must thanks two ppl who let me don’t tat i am so ‘worthless’ & am really so nice to bitch abt tat even they themselves who i call friend would want to bitch abt me!!!! though yeh u say cause is tat u all take me as a friend thus u tell me all this k!!! well i do know tat!!! but isn’t it equal to telling me tat u are not worth trusting at all!!! ???? but tat i will put aside cause i really wonder am i so nice to bitch abt analyse maybe yeh!!! but then wad abt u all???? aren’t u all also equally imperfect like me!!! k i do admit tat i got a lot of freaking problems tats why ppl all hate me a lot!!! i don’t know i wish not to say but maybe run away far away to a secret place where there is a sense of security!!! where the ppl around me are worth trusting…..

wad should i write

emo tats all i know when i talk today with rinie she really make me realise who are ur real friends& who are not at all!!!  i feel like asking myself if i am worth the friendship really during my b’dae how many ppl remember it????? i would like to know please lol i only mean something to certain ppl!! am i so easy to bully disturb or even be make fun of…. be make use of just because of  the fact tat i am so naive…. in my own dreamy world where i think the world is so good & worth being in while in fact actually the world is a really very cruel one where we all only think for ourselves & not others…. a place where trust has no place at all….. + also i really would like to know is it i am so worth talking bad abt??? i really wonder why do i always put myself in other ppl’s shoes when in fact there is no one who even cares how i feel in this world its only the friends i make in___ cares abt me is it or is there other ppl in this world who secretly cares for me??? to others since i am not their friend so why should i care abt them at all so thus they all began to say i am kaopo!!!! but it seem tat no matter where i go certain info will just come to me & also it’s not i go find out one lol….. maybe yeh kaopo lol!!! to u all but certain things i do is to be concern tats all if so then i will just  stop caring!!!!  but it seem tat i can’t stop at all!!! THEN K PPL HATE ME ALL U WANT!!!!! IF U HAVE ALREADY STARTED SO LONG AGO!!! CAUSE NO ONE FORCE U TO LOVE OR HATE ME

tried of self

k come back from money mind booth camp!!! well wad can i say expect tat i learn a lot of things!!!! a lot of things happen during tat time & why i did certain things is because of my thought but really to say i learn a lot frm the camp though i felt like it’s too much….tat why i act like as if i don’t care like tat maybe or not!!! had a heart to heart talk with alieen though it’s the same conversation the same thing tat happen again & again but from this day onwards i am going to change my thoughts & the way i do things but i must say is tat i had been running away frm lots of things well time to face it & i will change tat my promise to myself…. wad the bad things tat happen during the camp i won’t say but i only know one thing is tat i am glad tat i got to know some new friends& also the fact tat it came to show me directly in my face tat i am not confident of  myself!!! well but i will change!!! everything the way my attitude & the way i talk tat offend ppl at times!!! also after going through this 5 days programme i have learned tat i am not cut out for business….. but then the sch of business the principal i think says tat now u know u are not cut for it but then next time u would go for it hummm see first….. but basically its from my owns thoughts tat change into my actions so thus i feel this & that = to wad i would do no matter how much i would hide it!!! lat but not least i got to know new friends at the 4th day!!! had fun with them…. but i must say i also had fun with the rest….

bored

i am really feeling so bored now cause nothing better to do …. if i know i should have gone church for the oar seminar at least i get to learn something…. but cause i have been busy for the past few weeks sort of since sch ended. for the 1st week of sch i have been going to & from to sch to hand in things do things…. so busy sort of cause of the train jounery…

on monday 1st week had to go sch collect the Malacca consent form… then after tat met lina to go catch where got ghost …… its quiet funny & nice but not real some parts…. the place we when was so dame boring so just round here & there lol then after tat board 143 was a very long jounery but we talk a lot so thus it felt short but reach home like quite late….

Tuesday never did anything much expect go church for bs…

Wednesday when for f1 briefing  for a while only lol… tell us how to do service & all…. then after tat head home with alieen & her sis + her sis friend…. did not talk much to her cause she seem to be angry with something….

Thursday wad did i do expect sleep hehe cause dead…. then after tat go collect the t-shirts for f1 was quiet late then also at the same time gave my contract  to the person….. the fellow ask me why so late then i explain lol…..

friday also busy when for money mind booth camp briefing…. just heard wadeva tat is needed…. but sad is must wear sch uniform…. i don’t want sia… & also to give consent form…. i think i did not regreat going cause make new friends…..

saturday when chruch for study fellowship but of course no need study for me so just read book then go service… never eat with the rest cause i have food at home + need to help in dinner service…

sunday when children chruch help out then after tat when for meeting with the teachers….. finish liao i when with jia wei& her brother to board the bus… the two are to go home while i go jp….  actually want to go but because she lost her hp i think i did not want to go instead tried to help her find…. but luckily she found it in the end but don’t know where was it at… really love talking to her she is nice….

2nd week

monday never do anything expect slack haha….

Tuesday when out go muz place for hari raya…. so long never see them miss sia….. glad could see them i wish them all the best for o levels  the prelims results they have yet to get… jia yo you all can do it … my bro too jia yo….

Wednesday when out with orina & andre + some of her other friends last minute while also going to sch to pass up consent form for booth camp can’t wait!!! yeh… had fun riding with them & all it was good but the atmosphere at times where weird haha….

thrusday never do anything but sleep haha while mom go out….

friday-sunday i do go f1….. it rocks but i had nothing to do expect talk & talk so yeh was bored… but every time after it most of time when to eat with alieen… hehe but never go church so miss them lots but can see them soon yeh….

monday-wensday  malacca trip wad can i say had fun make new friends expect for one tat i don’t even like at all spoil my mood….. & please ppl i don’t like tat u put me with him cause i freaking don’t like him…. k butwant joke can lah haha!!! =) i really enjoyed the time i had with u all so friendly all of u…

thrusday- when watch ugly truth them after tat while i go get my stuff jac call me want dye hair a not then i say yeh k lol… then also drag me go watch the fame really enjoyed it…. it fun & cool recommend tat u go watch… k tats all but my hair doesn’t look nice enough & i hope sh won’t come & kill me when sch starts…

friday- never do much expect slack lol….  & prepare for monthlyspecial stuff… so thus wad should i say is tat i am busy & have been doing lots of stuff…

money mind booth camp here i come can’t wait!!!! & then wad else my timetable is relly very bad whole day in sch sian lah!!!!

dead

have been busy & will contiue to be till maybe next year cause seeing tat my timetable doesn’t really rocks!!! & also tat next week have money mind booth camp….. can’t wait for it!!!! will update the next time!!! busy the whole hoildays haha!!!

scare

that wad i am going to post today. i really very scare of my exams results i really wonder wad am i doing???? & also how well will i do, still i don’t get why frm wad wai  chun or azli say since she did so well then most likely we did worse… still i my mind i want to think tat i did better or equally well…. k wad alieen say was all bluff only wanted to see my reaction but still to azli & wai chun i think we will do well for sure!!

then i also must say tat this few days i have been sleeping like a lot….. but i must say tat i am really grateful for GOD & last saturday service really touch me a lot tat the fact GOD really cares abt my relationships with others so thus now i am asking myself why am i acting so weird like i had been hurt a lot by invisible things in this world……. i really don’t get myself in fact i think i am acting weird purposely have so many things on to avoid things  but how much can i go one like tat???? during the time where pastor may eng talk to us during the meeting i really felt ver touch but i am really asking myself why am i allowing all the joy stealers in my life to steal it away from me i really wonder???? in fact i think i am not a peace with myself for a lot of things but only thus trying to hide everything & anything….. i don’t know neither do i get it ….. all i know is tat i wish not dig out the past at all in fact just to hide everything……….. i just know one thing insecure abt a lot of things!!!! things where this world can’t satisfy me at all or even make me feel at ease & in fact i think wad li han say is true to tat  by right humans are selfish by nature & never selfless!!!! all it’s for themself & never for others!!!  daddy also always says tat to me tat u can’t trust anyone in this world expect GOD!!! & i really do agree even though no matter how much blood ties we do have with the person!!!

wad can i say weird emotions tat all i know

i really wonder if anyone can be happy for one moment than sad the next well i can in fact…. so wad u say abt me must careful cause i will think tat u mean wadeva u say…. especially if ur reactions tell me certain things…. but i must say tat i really enjoyed myself  this whole week besides tat the fact tat i felt a little bit emo here & there but really had great fun see jac blog for more update… http://thesockyworld.blogspot.com/